I've heard people say that they're "finding themselves" about a thousand times. Each time, it's more excruciating than the last. At first glance, it seems harmless enough. Hey! You're energetic and excited and you want to get in touch with a deeper version of you. Sometimes, there are people who are very genuine about that, people who are inquiring seekers of something more.
But you know what? There are two reasons that are both extremely common and absolutely terrible. And I know this because I've used both. Repeatedly.
1. To Lower Everyone's Expectations.
I'm still finding myself as an Artist.
I'm still finding myself as an Entrepreneur.
I'm still finding myself as a Writer.
Variations on this are a popular way to lower the expectations of your audience, your network or just the person you're chatting up while you're in line for cold pressed juice on the way to the job you hate.
When you tell people that you're an entrepreneur or an artist or even a working professional and then add the caveat that "you're still trying to find yourself" -- you're saying that you're not proud of who, where and what you are, in case they don't like it.
That can't be healthy.
No matter what you do, you need to be proud of it. Say it without excuses, deprecations or explanations. Because sure, you might be totally shite at what you do right now. Most people are, when they get started.
You should hear my first band when I was a teenager. We were called Airborne Avocado. It's horrifying. Or my first blog posts, which were exclusively focused on my Emo inspired poetry. Or my first company, an embarrassing flash in the pan with a business model that was pretty dependent on Myspace.
I wasn't finding myself through any of those projects. I was learning. Learning how to do some things and how not to do others. It's a tough process, and it's taken me over a decade to get to the point where I can be relatively certain I'm no longer building pointless crap.
Learning is a good thing. In fact, learning is a great thing. Companies who learn together stay together. Couples who learn together make the best damn brunch spreads you'll ever see. Artists and entrepreneurs who don't have someone breathing down their neck to keep them focused need to learn or they'll stagnate, fracture and quit.
2. Because Everything Has Gone To Hell.
I'm taking a break from my work to find myself.
I shut down my company to find myself.
I'm spending the year travelling to find myself.
Sometimes in life, in your career, and in your creativity, things are going to go completely to hell. It just happens. It can be sudden, it can be slow, it can be nobody's fault, or it can be a huge flaming wreck that you caused through stupid choices and bad ideas.
In the past, every time something I've put my heart and soul into has fallen apart, I've tried to step back and "find myself" -- like I can uncover the real reason behind my failure, ensure it never happens again, and become a being of celestial fucking light.
When everything has gone to hell, and you say you're going to find yourself, most of the time that means wallowing in self pity and running away from the consequences of what happened. It's not healthy.
Again, this is a case when what you need to do is learn. Learn what went wrong and why. Learn about the things you're good at, the things you enjoy doing, and what makes you such a unique person. It's the only way that you can take a step forward.
I think the concept of "finding yourself" is based on the 1960's pop music and acid infused intellectualism popularised by the Beatles, Ram Dass and the Grateful Dead. But we've come a long way from what they were advocating -- which was questioning the status quo and seeking to understand what life really meant. These days, "finding yourself" is an excuse, and it's meaningless. It doesn't have much to do with reality or with learning.
I want to leave you with a quote from Ram Dass:
"Just because you are seeing divine light, experiencing waves of bliss, or conversing with Gods and Goddesses is no reason to not know your zip code."
Stay in the real world. Learn from the real world. That's the way you move forward.
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