Last summer, a number of people forwarded me the Vanity Fair article about Tinder and the "Dating Apocalypse," a think piece loaded with dire predictions for the future of online dating culture.
Then came stories about the Ashley Madison hacking debacle. Pearls were clutched with a feverish schadenfreude as unfaithful men panicked that their personal information had been leaked on the Internet. (The embarrassment that nearly all of the women on the site were spambots just added insult to injury.)
On social media, the chorus that meets grim news about online dating is as predictable as it is jaded. "Ugh. Online dating is horrible."
And yet...we all do it.
Search for dating apps, and you'll find thousands beyond the ones you already know. One app alerts you the moment your Facebook crush breaks up with their current relationship partner. (Yeah...that's not creepy at all.) There is an app that matches you based on your "candy flavors." Another casts you as an anime character matching with fantasy dragons.
Our apps make dating an obsession. We make it a game. We make it a costume ball, where we can all show up as our fantasy selves and project our utopian dreams onto our prospects.
As silly as some of these ideas might sound, we have to admit that the reason that they exist is that meeting and connecting with humans is what we do. Romeo and Juliet exchanged lovesick missives through the assistance of Friar Laurence; today there's an app for that. The market for matchmakers and fortunetellers exists because the promise of love endures every attempt to eradicate it. The ingenuity that comes from our yearning and desire will always adapt our circumstances to serve the deeply human goal of connecting with other humans.
Despite the hand-wringing that online dating is making people more shallow, less empathetic, or encouraging an objectifying culture of empty hookups and sub-par sex, it's a mistake to blame technology for our social shortcomings. If there's one thing technology is great for, it's amplifying the patterns that are already there. Online dating simply accelerates and puts a magnifying glass on larger social dynamics.
According to a recent Pew Research poll, 59% of Americans think online dating can be a good way to meet people. To dismiss the possibility of positive outcomes through online dating because of a few bad apples is like saying that, because there are trolls, we should toss out the entire Internet.
There is a beautiful potential to online introductions.The possibility of connecting with someone you may have never encountered through your regular daily habits, who yet somehow sees the world the way you do and appreciates you for who you are is a tantalizing goal, and it's something that actually happens.
The catch is that, at present, most of the paths toward this beautiful potential are littered with poop-piles. Online harassment is a big, stinky poop-pile, as is the reduction of people to photos that gives us that alienating "shopping for humans" feeling.
When faced with poop-filled paths, we have a decision to make. Should we hold our noses and hope for the best? Or should we take what we have learned and create a new path?
Siren is designed by artists and creatives who know in every fiber of our being that sometimes you just need to create new paths.
As makers we know how to create. As artists, we know how to set the tone and harness community energy. Each space, physical or digital, has its own internal codes of behavior and standards, and we make social contracts with each other. If you want a community with less crap, why not ask people not to litter? You create a well-lit, open-ended space for people to navigate comfortably. You pick up the garbage, you make it safe, and you keep it interesting because you care about the people who use your path.
I cannot convey how much joy it brings the Siren team to create a platform that resists the swipes, that asks questions where judgment is less important than perspective, that believes dignity for individuals resides in some space between the words. To be in service of our community and to hone in on the potential of online dating are what drives our team.
Online dating is dead. Long live online dating.
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